- Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT - - www.addic7ed.com -
Mr. July.
Mr. August.
Mr...
Come on now.
Oh, well, here you go.
Anything can happen when you're just like me
I'm running carelessly through a maze
How unexpected.
It's easier, you know, to...
Oh!
- What was that? - No. What? No, nothing.
Sexts. Good on you.
No, we're not sexting. They're ironic. He's joking.
- That's not funny. - Here, I'll be the judge of that.
- No. - I am an expert now.
You wouldn't believe what I'm seeing.
What? What? What, what, what? Topless ladies?
Yeah, heaps. I mean, I don't go for them, because they're obviously bi.
You know, they're playing by hetero rules.
- Well... Do you wanna see? - Yes.
Yeah.
How are you dating with a one-year-old?
- There you go. - Wow.
- Oh, pretty. - Oh.
- Oh, not so pretty. - Whoa.
- I'd date her. - Would you?
Swipe right. Yes. That jacket.
Oh, you should be careful though.
Isn't online dating a little bit dangerous?
They're all women. She's fine.
- Who's the lesbian Weinstein? - I don't think we have one.
Not enough women in positions of power.
We'll get there one day.
Hey, when do you start the new
"I don't want to go to Adelaide" research job?
This week. But it's just to fill a gap.
Which I should make the most of. So it's a few weeks max.
Need to sort child care though.
Didn't realise I couldn't do it from home.
What's that one called, the one that you don't use all the time?
- Occasional. - Occasional.
Oh, yeah.
What ideology are you after?
Traditional or Steiner or Montessori, Constructivist...
Uh... really just one with long hours.
- What do you recommend? - Whatever you can get.
Just don't let her reaction make you feel guilty, because she'll cry.
They all cry. You'll feel guilty anyway.
Absolutely. What's the job?
Oh, it's great.
The council's trying to redefine public toilet spaces
to accommodate all identities and genders,
so I'm conducting a review
into the feasibility of inclusive toilets.
And I'll be assessing the current state of all the...
Toilets?
So, you're like an investigative janitor?
No.
I might knock this park over now.
I need to wee anyway. Anyone want to come?
Help stop Stevie touching the sanitary bins while I work?
Anyone?
Oh... sorry, morning sickness.
I thought you said that had passed. It just came back.
Do you think she got the tattoos before or after she had kids?
Before.
Is that Georgia?
Yeah, it is. Who's she with?
Wow.
- Hi. - Hey, guys.
- Hi. - Hey.
- Hi.
Is that another parents' group?
Are you, like... Are you cheating on us?
What?
No.
I mean, we never fully committed, did we?
- No. No. - Oh...
Oh, it's... it's a cultural thing. Yeah, I get it.
I understand.
Yeah, but motherhood, pretty universal, isn't it?
We're all in this shit-storm together.
Wait, it's not because they're Asian.
I mean, none of them are even my kind of Chinese.
You know, it's just because we're more like-minded
and generationally... closer.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, 'cause you're, like, what? I mean, you're 30 or something.
25. 25.
And you guys are, like, you know, in your 40s.
30s.
- 36. - 30... 30... 30... 39.
- 39. - Close enough.
No, well... Audrey's sexting.
- Well, yeah. Uh... - Well, Jeremy's kind of...
- Now? - Well, he's away, so we just...
It's very...
And this one's dating again.
- Oh, yes. - She is on the...
- Oh, online? - Yeah, I'm swiping.
It's left and right.
- Cool. - Yeah, it is cool.
- It's so nice to see you. - Really nice.
- You guys, too. - Yeah.
- Bye. - Bye, Georgia.
- Wow. - Oh, wow.
- Yeah. - That hurts.
Nai?
Sorry, I was just wondering if you do occasional care,
and if you have any spots.
- Nai. - No. OK.
- Nai. - Oh, but you're nodding?
- Nai. - Is that a... That... yes?
Yes, we have availability. Come, come.
Oh, great. OK.
Thank you.
OK.
You like?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Uh, thank you so much. I'll be in touch.
No, stop it. Yiayia said no.
- No. - Goosie, no hitting.
Uh... any availabilities?
No, no, I've had the baby.
Till 2022? Fuck off!
What? Oh.
I can't hear you. I'm just asking about occasional care.
No, I realise she'll be going to school then,
but just put me on the list, thank you.
My mother's father was adopted, so we don't know his full heritage.
Well, her dad is very, VERY Catholic.
Yeah, but hang on, there are not any priests there, are there?
I mean, that's been sorted out?
Do I have to join the gym or can I just drop her and go?
She never really cries like this.
This is just...
What classes do you have at nine?
Are they heavy weights, or...
Thank you.
Hi again. We're back.
Uh, thank you so much for fitting her in.
And she rolls around a bit when you think she's waking up,
but she just goes straight back to sleep, so don't be fooled.
Go. Go! Go!
- OK. Yep. - Go!
Yep, I'm going.
Hey, how'd she go? Did you get any more pics?
Oh, dreamy. She couldn't have gone better.
Really? How long did you stay?
No, long enough. You know, she seemed really happy.
- Yeah, right. - Oh, shit. Vegemite!
But it's a good place. You think it's good, right?
It's great. It's... stimulating and Steiner... ish.
- What's it costing? - $450 a week.
- And what are you earning now? - Just under five.
So, we're almost paying for you to work.
Ah, almost paying for us BOTH to work.
Why are you making me feel guilty?
Do you think Serena's husband made her feel guilty
as she stepped out onto Rod Laver Arena for the women's final?
No, but... it's not quite the same thing, is it?
- Isn't it? - OK, Aud.
I just wish that she was walking,
so that she could at least walk away if she was being bullied.
Oh, shit.
I forgot to tell you, but she's taken some steps.
- Are you serious?! - Yeah.
I meant to video it, but my phone was full.
Sorry. But, I mean, you'll see her walk heaps in her life.
- How's your project going? - Oh, it's great. It's great.
Thanks for the like. Finally.
Huh? What are you talking about?
The sexy photo that I sent you that you just liked.
- Oh, that's disgusting. - I beg your pardon?
No, I didn't like any photo.
Hey, I've got to go. I'm working.
- OK, love you. Bye. - Bye.
That's a pretty great shot, actually.
Ah, that one's better.
You think you're responsible enough to have a dog?
No, I don't know if I'm ready.
It's sort of like I've moved towards a child.
Although I do keep being offered semen.
I don't know if that's happened to you. Like, just unsolicited jizz.
Like, "If you need some, I got some." I don't know what it is.
It's like you hit 30 and every gay male friend expects you to breed.
Like, "Oh, we'll co-parent." Like, that's not gonna end in court.
Well, I actually have a son.
Did I miss that on your profile? Because that does not excite me.
Sorry.
I think I'm well ahead in this competition actually.
Ah, well, why would you say that?
I don't like modern art.
- Oh. - I like the old stuff.
OK, then maybe you are worse, then.
No, I don't like camping.
And, yes, I have never owned a pair of overalls.
- Oh, yeah, that is good. - Yeah.
Because I do, I love camping
and I was actually going to wear my evening overalls tonight.
- Evening overalls? - To meet you.
- Just kidding, I own heaps. - Fuck, that's...
- No, you look beautiful. - Oh, thanks, thanks. Yeah.
- Shall we, uh... - Yeah.
- Yeah. Another one? - Yeah, thanks.
- Oh, hey! - Hi.
- How'd you go? - Excellent. Scored a second date!
Oh, that's great.
All good here?
Yeah, really good. He's so cute.
He called me dude!
Oh, no, 'doodh' is Hindi for milk.
Oh, right.
Yeah, right, that makes sense.
It was when I was giving him his bottle, so... yeah.
Hey, listen, I was gonna say, if it's easier for you,
I'd be happy for him to do a sleepover at my place.
Certainly easier for me.
Oh, thanks, Dave.
But he's not really ready yet.
And he's actually still up through the night.
Oh, no, no, no, that's fine.
Yeah, that's fine. Um...
OK, well, I should get going.
Thanks, Dave.
Oh, actually, can you just hang around a sec? It's Ranjeet.
I really should get going.
Please, please.
Hey. How's things?
Good. Parents are coming round for dinner.
Thought I'd sneak in a quick call before they get here.
I think they need to meet Dave and then they'll be fine.
And a wedding date would help.
It won't. And last time Ma almost had a heart attack.
And didn't talk to me for two years.
She was just upset you didn't finish your medical degree.
It's what we Anands do,
we become doctors and then we marry, preferably doctors.
- Here's Dave. - Hello, David.
Hi, Ranjeet.
- How's Perth? - Hot, mate.
Yeah, is it? I bet.
Well, great catching up with you.
Uh... See ya.
OK, so, how's Daadi Maa?
She's getting old.
Yiayia.
Yeah.
Did she just call you Yiayia?
Go.
I am going.
Go.
Hey, the women's is free if you girls really need to go.
We don't identify as female.
Or male either. We don't like binary labels.
Absolutely. Sorry. That's really cool.
Actually, I might identify as female, just for a sec. Busting.
- Audrey! - Scott!
- How are you going? - Are you non-binary now?
Hey? No, that's just the roomiest one.
It's alright, fellas, the coast is clear. Come out.
See you next Thursday. And remember, Rat Park.
- Yeah. - Remember.
What? Hey, could you be quick, please? I've got a 3:30 in a minute.
- What? - Did you just... Is that a...
Office. Yeah, that is my office. That's correct. Yes, it is.
Well, I'll be telling the council that their attempt to create a safe
gender-neutral toilet space has failed.
- How's that? - Being used as a crack shop.
- Nice one. - Crack shop? What's a crack shop?
Don't catastrophise, Audrey. That's genuinely my office, alright?
I'm off the gear. Did you not know that?
I'm completely clean.
Like, completely against the odds, I've done it. A hero's journey.
And now I'm giving back to the community. I'm helping others.
I developed my own 12-step program, but I do it in six for 50 bucks.
Well, that's still unethical. NA's free.
I've no idea.
Anyway, it's good you're off the drugs.
If you're going to be talking to those arse clowns at city council,
could you tell them all the lights at Cooper Park are gone?
Completely. It's black there. Like, they're all smashed out,
and it's fucking dangerous, to be honest.
- All the lights? - All of them.
And I feel unsafe there. Put "unsafe".
- Where's your little fella? - At day care.
Ooh, a bit young, isn't he? Is he talking yet?
A few words.
What if something bad happens and he can't tell you about it?
- Scott, he is a girl. - Is he?
Sorry. No, I was talking about my one-year-old,
who may identify as a boy in the future, or as non-binary.
I'm very open for them to make that call.
Yep. His choice, her choice. Doesn't matter.
Off you fuck, the adults are talking.
Tricky at that age, aren't they?
Actually, can you tell me more about the loos at Cooper Park?
- That might save me a visit. - Sure.
- Great. - I'm actually heading there shortly.
I can give you an update. Have I got your digits?
- No. - Hit me.
Oh... no, I just don't know if I should give it to you.
Yeah. None taken.
Oh, alright. 0423 6071 605.
605. You're going to regret that.
No, I'm kidding. It's safe... ish. No, I'm kidding.
I'll call you and we'll talk about payment plans and what have you.
- OK. - Take care.
Good to see you, Scott. Ooh, dress shoes.
Yeah, nice, innit? Business.
You know, walk the walk, talk the talk.
Dinner's almost ready,
and then do you mind sticking around and just saying hello to Ranjeet?
Because it's his birthday. And then I've got my second date.
I don't think that's a good idea. I'm such a terrible liar.
And besides, don't you think it's time you told him?
- I mean, he seems cool. - Told him what?
Told him that we're not a couple!
That we're definitely never getting married,
and, I don't know, that it's 2019 and you're gay.
On his birthday?
No, you just don't understand. No, we come from very different worlds.
Yeah, but didn't India just decriminalise...
Oh, OK, yeah, fine! I will Skype him later.
Hey?
Do you think that you're really ready for a sleepover?
Because, um... maybe I was wrong.
How's tonight?
You mean TONIGHT tonight?
Yeah. Do you want the play mat?
'Cause I can just... I just...
Yeah, just put his toys in the middle and...
Oh, um, what do I do if he wakes in the night?
He won't.
And if he does, you just hold him...
...and rock him for an hour.
- Or two. - OK.
Oh, my...
Mmm.
I'm so... I'm so busting for the loo.
Oh, really?! OK, yeah, sure.
No, that's fine. It's just up there.
- OK, alright. OK. - OK, bye.
Oh. Oh, my gosh.
Ay-ay-ay-ay.
- Everything good? - Yeah, yeah. I'll just be a sec.
- Are you OK? - Yeah, I'm fine.
So, why is there, um, nappies in the bathroom?
What? Well, that's strange.
Mm. And a dummy in the vanity.
OK... bit weird.
My last girlfriend had a baby fetish.
Yeah.
There is a full nursery set up in the second bedroom.
It was a bit intense.
And I really should get rid of that stuff.
Yeah, there's actually a photo of you in there
literally moments after giving birth.
- That's not me. - Yeah, that is.
- It is. - Mmm.
I... have... a...
...one-year-old.
Yeah. Yeah, I thought that you might.
So, why did you lie to me? That's not cool.
Well, snooping through my apartment, that's not very cool either.
I mean, you know, my bathroom vanity?
- Yeah, everybody does that, so... - In the movies, sure. But not...
OK, I don't think that this is going to work,
so I'm going to leave.
- Oh, well... - OK.
Why am I the only lesbian who likes babies?
Oh, no, I like babies, I just don't like liars.
Goodnight.
Sorry. Sorry, she just won't let go. Is this normal?
Completely normal. Come to Yiayia.
- Come. Come to Yiayia. - Come on, come on.
Come on. Come on.
Come to Yiayia. Oh, there, there, there, there, there.
Go, go, go. Go. Look at this.
Look at this.
Yeah, not so good today.
She's already worn down by the 9-to-5 cycle.
Yeah, well, I don't blame her.
Yeah, I think she's really smart. Hey, where are you? It's echoey.
Hang on, I'll take a pic.
There you go.
Oh, God!
Jeremy! It's 9am! Yuck.
That was just a joke one. I thought you'd laugh.
Besides, why are you liking it, if you think it's so yuck?
I didn't. And I won't.
Yeah, you did. And now you're commenting.
Emoji, thumbs up!
Oh, fuck! Does Verity still have access to your iPad?
- Oh, God. - Excellent, Aud.
Your mum's just received and liked a picture of my penis.
Well, at least she liked it. No, sorry. I'll sort that.
Audrey!
Oh, I better go. Yiayia's shooing me away.
Alright, alright. Yeah, I'm going.
No, no, today you come. You take.
She's been rejected. I didn't know that could happen.
Oh, man, I better go. Bye.
Hello, mate.
So, it's hand, foot and mouth.
In 2019? Sounds like something from Oliver Twist.
It's very common with little ones at childcare.
It will clear up by itself.
But you need to quarantine the two of you for the next 10 days.
I'm sorry, did you just say 10 days' quarantine?
This is perfectly normal.
She'd get sick no matter where you sent her.
Everyone should expect rolling illness for the first six months.
Oh, and you're due for your pap smear.
Oh, good. Great news.
Hello, darling!
I'm maintaining my distance because we've just been quarantined,
but also because I'm so mad at you.
Liking those photos. That's way out of line. Even for you.
Darling, I had to like them.
It's a very vulnerable thing,
you can't leave them hanging out like that.
Literally hanging out.
OK, Mum, give me the iPad?
I won't read your messages anymore. I promise.
Like my diary when I was 12?
I'm not falling for that again.
Audrey, I don't want to read your messages,
they just keep popping up.
Can't we turn the thing off?
I don't know! You need to get off my cloud.
Ruben!
What? Oh, hi, Aud.
- What's he doing here? - I was just assembling a flat pack.
I was going to say hi, but it sounded private.
Cloud work? You bet. Now?
But upstairs. I need to isolate myself from you.
Audrey! Does he not know it doesn't work if you're flaccid?
He needs to be erect.
Yeah, you're right. It should be erect.
You should be safe out there.
OK, what's your cloud password?
Oh, what?
- Audrey? - Yeah, no idea.
Don't worry.
Was that a text message?
- Yeah. - Oh, shit.
I'm so sorry you had to see that.
He's really missing me,
and he likes to use visual aids.
And he's been climbing, so he's showing off his bottom.
Which is looking quite good.
No, it was just a message re your new password.
Oh. Oh, good.
How's StevieNicks16?
Oh, that's great. I'll remember that.
No judgement, by the way.
Who doesn't love a climbing bottom?
You joining him after the toilet job?
Yeah, if he passes probation.
Has anyone ever not passed probation?
Yeah, I just want to be 100% sure.
And I've got the gender neutral project and...
Oh, fuck, how am I going to finish that?
Oh, my God, it's due next week.
What am I doing, Ruben?
Putting her in an infectious childcare.
Making Jeremy cancel his trip home.
Because what's the point? So now he's sad and very frustrated.
All for toilets.
I reckon you and Jeremy just need a date night or a dirty weekend.
Ester swears by them.
Although ours are getting cleaner and cleaner.
Actually, it's been a while for us, too.
Maybe we could do a double dirty week...
No. No, people don't do that.
OK, I've set Verity up with her own cloud,
and locked yours.
So sext away!
Thank you.
What's your new password?
Nope. Oh, has it got something to do with Fleetwood Mac?
- Mm. - Was it... Give me another clue.
Fleetwood Mac's a pretty good clue.
I mean...
What's her name... Oh, what's her name again?
It's literally the same name as your child,
but with a Fleetwood Mac...
Oh, shit.
Come on, you can do it. Do it for Teddy.
OK, OK. Here I go.
Ah, Madu. Hi.
Hey, um...
Hey.
- How were the birthday celebrations? - Wonderful.
Wish you could have been here.
Yeah, look, I've got something to tell you.
It's just that Dave's actually
Teddy's sperm donor.
And we're not getting married.
OK, Madu, you might want to talk...
...because I'm...
We're not together 'cause...
We can talk about this another time.
- Yeah, I like women. - Oh, boy.
Do you realise what shame you bring to the family?!
No way! They're there.
Oh, where is she? I can't see her.
- He's there. - Madu? Madu?!
- Talk to them. - Where is she?
I can only see a blank.
Oh, what's going on?
Are you trying to kill us?
It's not a crime anymore. It's legal, Ma.
What kind of Anand doesn't finish her medical degree?
Even your dumb cousin is now a dentist.
OK, come on, darling. Come on, come to Mum.
Come to Mum. Come to Mum.
Yeah, I need to get you walking for Daddy.
Yeah, I know you're sick, but please...
Oh!
Oh. Hi.
Yeah, g'day. How you going? Listen, I'm at the Kent Street ones.
You don't want to see this. People are animals.
And I'm guessing your standards are low, very low.
Oh, what, because I'm a reformed drug dealer?
I'd watch that, that's prejudice, OK?
No, because your office is a toilet. Anyway, have a look.
Hang on. There we go.
- Did you get any interviews at all? - Well, yeah.
Generally, the women are thumbs down.
I mean, they just don't want to be anywhere near
the urinal cakes and man poos.
Oh, fair enough. What about the men?
- Oh, no, no, no. The men's is a beat. - Oh, wow.
That's what those noises were.
- Well, did you take some photos? - Did I get any photos?!
Of the toilet sex?! No, Audrey, I didn't. Sorry about that.
No, not of the sex.
I probably could ask them some questions though.
It is pumping in there.
Oh, could you? That would be great.
Hey, do you want to see my daughter walk?
- Oh, no, I couldn't be fucked. Bye. - Oh, come on, she...
Oh!
Oh.
Hi.
Yeah, I think I just need one of your boobs.
That's kind of the point.
Seriously? Oh, that's so cliched. We're better than that, aren't we?
Not some kind of art project or something,
it's simple, basic desire, you know?
I mean, I sent you my bits, and that was embarrassing at first.
And I don't think we need to talk about it.
I prefer the talking. And your bits in context.
Well, what DO you find attractive?
- Your dry sense of humour. - I can't photograph that.
OK, well, I like watching you do things you're really good at.
You know, like, um...
Like board games and deboning fish.
Oh, yeah? You know, there's an old Connect Four here?
I could nude up and, you know,
put an extra playing piece in amongst...
No!
And I like you sitting opposite me, fully dressed,
when I've picked your outfit.
- I miss our dates. - Yeah, me too.
I miss my girls.
- And that's not a euphemism. - I know what you did there.
Yeah, to me. I mean Andre Rieu is the extent of my knowledge.
My mum loves him.
Well, no-one I play with has hair like his.
I want to be honest with you.
I'm married.
My husband really likes to watch.
Just the bill?
So, you're in? I'll text Ben.
No! Not in. Don't text Ben.
I have a one-year-old boy and an overinvolved donor dad.
Right.
I play cello. I teach more than play these days.
I just came out to my family, at age 39...
...who are now in denial.
OK.
Um, I'm only three years out myself.
Huh.
My family is pretty progressive.
Well, except my aunty, but fuck her.
She still gives her 35-year-old daughter pocket money, so...
I've never dated an Indian woman before. Mum will be happy. Racist.
Mm.
I'm 35, I'm back at uni
and I work part-time here, which you know.
I do. But what are you studying?
- Medicine. - Oh.
- Thanks, mate. - Thanks, mate.
- Did you buy me dinner? - Mm-hm.
Green curry? It's perfect.
OK, now open your laptop.
We're going to watch Michelle Wolf's latest special.
Dinner and a show?
Old school.
And this way you can heckle without risking ridicule, or expulsion.
- Or embarrassing me. - Nice one.
Give me five, I'll set it up.
Another glass?
Hm, don't mind if I do.
Please, allow me. OK, you do it.
Oh, I forgot to tell you, Martha called.
Apparently, Teddy has had
an extremely mild case of hand, foot and mouth.
It's gone through his whole childcare.
She didn't even realise. So, it wasn't Yiayia's after all.
- That's a relief. - Mm.
- I bloody love that place. - Yiayia's the best.
Yeah, she really is. I wish she was my yiayia.
I miss you.
You wearing pants?
Let's find out.
No. No, you're not.
- Are you going to take yours off? - What?!
- No! - One night only. Come on!
Oh, I'm wearing bad undies.
There's no such thing as bad undies. Not when you're in Adelaide.
Alright, alright.
Here we go.
Darling, I just popped in to get...
Oh, nothing. Gone.
- Jeremy, hi. - Oh, hi, Verity.
Do you have a secret place
Where you can go and meet some boys?
Little people, tall...
I'm not doing that again.
Little people, tall and smiley.
Up to my knees in a sea of voices
Caught in a net with a thousand choices
I try to forget all the rules in the night
But the bells in my head, they put up such a fight
Anything can happen when you're just like me
I'm running carelessly through a maze
How unexpected
I'm under lock and key
In a world of relentless passion
Anything can happen when you're just like me
I'm running carelessly through a maze
How unexpected.